Sequels, ok this is getting ridiculous

You’d have to be blind, deaf, dumb and stupid not to notice that we are awash with sequels. Getting to a trilogy is fine but we are starting to be inundated with 4^th, 5^th and 6^th movies. Really??? I mean really??? The amount of unpaid writers and waiters in LA with an original idea and now I gotta sit through ‘typical action revenge movie 4 – this time, it’s really really personal because I am a gruff but lovable loner and you killed the only girl I could ever be with?’

I like to think of sequels as you would an ex-girlfriend. After you break up, there are a couple of times that you go back for sex because you can’t really find someone else haven’t achieved closure but after the second or third time, it starts to get ridiculous. And sad. You’ve gotta cut the cord, baby. So here is a list of movies that I am dumping forever and ever (amen) and they won’t be getting a booty call from me:

• Pirates of the Caribbean
• Spy Kids
• Sex and the City (I was made to watch it... honest)
• Scream
• Saw (aren’t there like 50 million of these now)
• Resident Evil (those zombies must be pretty shit if they haven’t managed to kill an 8 stone white girl by now)
• Alien/Predator or Alien vs. Predator (we don’t care about your war – so fuck off!!)
• Friday the 13^th
• Halloween
• Terminator (If I keep drinking the way I do, I probably won’t live to see the end of the world anyway)
• Fast and the Furious (although the last one was not so bad. I’d refer to this one as a girlfriend you haven’t seen in like two years and she’s lost weight and got breast implants)
•  Basically all horror movies because

- Most Americans have guns, if a weirdo guy tried to creep up on them, they’ll just shoot em

- No one in their right mind separates from the group. Hell, even Neanderthals in prehistoric times knew that

- No one is a virgin anymore (Not my fault - honest)

- Why would you leave the comfort of your suburban house and go backpacking in the creepy woods?

-  Believe it or not, most people choose to vacation in the south of France instead of a  haunted house

- If you have cool vampire powers, it’s unlikely that you’ll be killed by a piece of wood

- Most creepy kids just grow up to be creepy adults, not psychopaths

- The devil has better things to do than possess humans

image from Motivational Posters

Adam Sandler. Please stop. Please.

It doesn’t take a genius to see that as someone who spends a fair portion of their (precious) free time writing blog posts about films, I like films. I really like films.

And as someone who likes films, it pains me to bitch about something that someone’s put time and effort (and money) into creating…but why for the love of all that is good and pure, is someone still giving Adam Sandler the go ahead to make comedies??

Is it just me that thinks these ‘films’ (urgh – that hurts to say) are entirely and undeniably un-funny? Well actually, no – the fact that Sandler recently set a new record for Razzie nominations is proof that it’s definitely not just me who is bored into weeping boredom flavoured tears of boring juice. If one of these films walked into a GP’s surgery, it would be an open and shut case:

Adam: “Hi Doc, you’ve seen my films – what do you think’s wrong with me?”

Doc: “Adam, you’ve sold out. Cheap (near) laughs for a quick buck. You must now go and sit atop a mountain, find God through meditation and ask His forgiveness for sullying the good name of film. Now away with you!”

Don’t get me wrong – Happy Gilmore is hilarious. I loved it as a thirteen year old, and I love it now. That scene with Happy and a 70 year old Bob Barker going toe-to-toe on the golf course still makes me chuckle like a fat kid laughing at an ant who’s stuck in icing. Adam Sandler, Carl Weathers and Christopher McDonald just happens to work - like spaghetti and bolognese…with a third thing that goes with them.

 But when I look at inane monstrosities like The Waterboy and Jack and Jill, I openly confess myself disappointed that Happy went from Happy to…well, that. Sad face.

And as for ‘You Don’t Mess with the Zohan’ – urgh. Just urgh. Actually more ‘argh!’ Sorry, but I honest to God can’t speak anymore about it because I can already feel myself getting so damn mad that I want to stamp on my own toes. And for you hawk-eye discerning types, you might’ve noticed that I forgot to provide a link to that last fi…fil…that last piece of dross – when in fact I haven’t forgotten, more the fact that I refuse to for fear of spreading its insidious imagination-less impudence. Thank me later.

So, now my rant has been ranted, and my vent has been vented, I will sign off with one unerring and eternal thought for the annals of filmic folklore to consider; why – or rather who – is giving these sins of the cinema the green light? Whoever you are, stop. Please stop. Just stop stop stop. Because it hurts my eyes. And my head. And my soul. And I’m pretty sure it’s damaging my health too. 

Abraham Lincoln got upgraded

Abraham Lincoln is one of my favourite people of all time. Believe it or not but back in the early 19^th century, not everyone was so crazy about not owning black people as slaves but Lincoln (and a band of others with big cojones) fought pretty much half their country to end slavery. One of my favourite quotes of his is: “The bare sight of 50,000 armed and drilled black soldiers on the banks of the Mississippi would end the rebellion at once.” Damn straight! But aside from that, he also unified America and essentially stabilised the economy. The only way that he could be more of a badass is... I don’t know, if they made him a sort of... I guess... a vampire hunter.

HOLY SHIT!! THEY MADE HIM A GODDAMN VAMPIRE HUNTER!! Based on Seth Grahame-Smith’s novel of the same name, the movie tells of the fictional, secret life of Lincoln as a vampire hunter after members of his family are killed by vampires. It is directed by Timur Bekmambetov and is produced by both him and Tim Burton. So imagine a Wanted and Sleepy Hollow mash up with a dose of history. Aside from the fight scenes, the trailer is not that interesting but I imagine that will change once we get past the teasers and experience the full trailer.

I haven’t got round to reading the book yet but you can bet your last pound I’ll be watching this movie. If only to further increase my love of Lincoln. For a sequel, I suggest Lincoln, John Quincy Adams and Ulysses S Grant battle werewolves – Take that Taylor Luther.

Full Trailer below for those with eagle eyes or check it out on YouTube

Talking about the un-talkable - Fight Club.

The first rule of Fight Club is; you do not talk about Fight Club.

The second rule of Fight Club is; you do not talk about Fight Club!

This is entirely true except for when ‘Where’s My Seat…?’ decides to go renegade and talk about the un-talkable. So for those who aren’t part of Fight Club – for those who are stranded on the outside gazing in through the sweat-steamed window – we’re here to let you in on the truth behind what Fight Club is.

Fight Club is a cocktail. A harsh and vicious cocktail of life lessons; One part public service message warning against the treacherousness of acceptance, of routine…of the mundane; one part essence of escapism; two parts gratuitous violence served with a side of bruised knuckles, swollen lips and black eyes in healthy measure; and one part attraction of reckless abandon – deftly infused with the chaotic beauty implicit within the freedom of simply not having to care.

But mix it all together and what are we left with?

Picture taken from this here place on the internet 

Taste:

Fight Club tastes sweet at first. Sweet with the sheer beauty inherent in the fleeting opportunity of indulgence – indulging ourselves in the idea of “rejecting the basic assumption of civilization, especially the importance of material possessions” that we’ve all come to love and revere.

Texture:

Fight Club is fizzing, lumpy, and thick. Thick with the grime of life at ground level. 

Look:

Fight Club is a dark and contrasting, neon potion bubbling and frothing and humming with the dim-lit visceral hue that emanates from the underbelly of Fincher’s visual imagination. Wide shots and hectic cuts force us to strain our eyes in order to see and appreciate what is really on offer – a technique the film’s characters may well encourage more of us to use in everyday life.

Smell:

Fight Club is sweat, and dirt. Not on the floors of the basements Mr. Norton and Mr. Pitt fight in, but the dirt on the hands and under the fingernails of the advertising and marketing execs who keep peddling the obligatory/necessary/unerring lifestyle solutions we so desperately crave.

Aftertaste:

Fight Club is bitter. Bitter with a tinge of realisation (and more than likely resentment) at the rules and regulations of a consumer-crazed society we find ourselves following unquestionably.

Verdict:

Helena Bonham Carter is an unpredictable force to be reckoned with as the smouldering Marla Synger as she tricks, thieves and deceives her way through the life she is so obviously tired of, while the performances from Tyler Durden and 'The Narrator' (Pitt and Norton, respectively) are a 12 tonne juggernaut of attitude and rebellion...driving us through a journey of conscious contradictions – the contradiction of people who find themselves and lose themselves in their uniformed individuality.

An electric charged swell of societal commentary. Surgically picking apart the pitfalls of (an arguably necessary) social model – capitalism – with a rusty scalpel and filthy, torn surgical gloves.

And after all has been said and one, we are left wondering whether we could do it – whether we “have the ability to let that which does not matter, truly slide…”

Rappers turned actors – Part 1

I earn a pretty modest wage for the job I do. Do I deserve more? Maybe. Do I want more? Hell yeah. But ultimately, I am better off than most people and I’m fairly comfortable with my position in life. It is for that reason that I don’t judge footballers who earn over 250 grand a week for doing what I use to do at lunch time with jumpers for goal posts. Hugh Laurie is a fantastic actor, which is why I don’t mind him earning $500,000 dollars an episode on House. In fact, pay the man more. He is a bloody hero. What I do resent however is rappers that try their hand at acting when they can’t act for shit. I mean seriously??? Some of them can’t even rap for shit but I don’t judge cos hey, a brother’s gotta make a living right? But when they start taking the piss by moving over into acting, then the black hulk rises (no that is not a euphemism for my erection!). Here are my top 5 hated rappers turned actors:

1. LL Cool J: You can’t rap and you can’t act. Put your shirt on, stop being an idiot and get a job as a gym rep
2.  Ice Cube: Boyz n the hood? Yes. The Friday trilogy? Well ok C+. Barbershop? Now you’re starting to take the piss Ice Cube. Are We There Yet? and Are We Done Yet? Oh Ice Cube, hand in your retired N.W.A membership pass right now
3. DMX: Ha ha ha ha ha ha. DMX??? DMX??? I can’t even understand what the hell he is saying most of the time cos he won’t stop barking. I actually think there might be some talent there if he recognised that he was a human being and not a canine. The only excuse for his incessant barking is if he was raised by dogs. DMX, see a therapist, not a movie agent
4. 50 Cent: There are approximately over 7 billion people on this earth so it is understandable that there are some things we just won’t agree on and will cause great debate: who is the real God - Allah or Jehovah? Is the death penalty a just punishment? Is Pippa Middleton’s butt that fine or was it just the bridesmaid dress? But as a species of Homo Sapiens, can we all just collectively agree never to watch a 50 Cent movie?
5.  The Game: Whoever allowed you a meeting with a producer should burn forever in the lowest depths of hell

Catch the next update where I will share the rappers that actually can act.

Ha ha DMX. Crazy mofo

Image provided by Grant Cochrane

An introduction.

Welcome to “Where’s my seat…?” – we’re two guys who (think we) know about film, television and music. Here are our thoughts on what’s cool, funny, interesting, rubbish and thought provoking. But don’t just listen to what we’ve got to say, let us know what you think as well...

Elijah:

The first movie I remember seeing was the King and I. Aside from an inappropriate crush on Anna (who let’s face it was the best babysitter ever!), I gained a unique appreciation for movies and music. Its ability to transport us to places of our wildest dreams and imagination, granting us a brief respite from the tribulations of our everyday life is… well pretty damn awesome. So this blog is an opportunity to share my love of movies, music and television with you. Some things you’ll agree with, some you won’t but either way, feel free to comment and hope you enjoy reading.

GKJ:

From wanting to be Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone (who didn’t want a ‘Talkboy’??) to being scared by the raptors in Jurassic Park or the vampires in From Dusk Till Dawn – I’ve always loved films. Always. And after 20+ years of watching films and television (on a freelance basis), I’ve become something of an expert on them. And like any self-respecting expert I’ve decided to impart my knowledge on you. Like it, loathe it or love it, these posts are just some things that I think – and I’d be intrigued to hear what you think as well…