For those
of you who braved the early hours to watch the Oscars last night, I'm sure you
were as captivated and transfixed as I was, particularly in the last hour of
the ceremony...
Transfixed
not by the grandeur of the Dolby Theatre (another piece of despicable corporate
branding), nor by the A-listers that studded the ocean of seats like moonlit
sequins on a shimmering Pacific night, and not even by the incredible array of
cinematic artistry being celebrated. Impressed? Yes. Transfixed? No. Instead, I
found myself fixated on the brilliance of this year's show-biz beards.
There
were A through to C-listers in attendance and a fair few of them were
flagrantly flaunting their follicle fortitude as the Academy brought out it's
biggest, best and bushiest beards the business has to offer!
Inevitably
there were one or two follicle failures - but as a trend, the beardy bristles
previously the exclusive property of bums and Beatniks has definitely grown
into itself.
So let's
take a minute to pay homage to those banging the bearded drum for 2013...
Clooney -
what can we say? Suave, debonair, and coolly under-stated - everything that
makes the man the star he is. Plus, there's something about a grey beard that
just looks cooler than 'normal' ones (except for Alan Sugar's chin strap)
Affleck -
a strong score on beard thickness while still being tidily defined. Indeed the
similarities between Affleck and Clooney (on the night and in the past year)
are plain to see - as for the question on whether Affleck's being groomed as
Clooney's replacement? Who knows - but one thing's for sure; the follicle force
is strong in this one...
Jackman -
opting for the goatee is a brave beardy choice. Too thin, and you look like a
slimy, Greek waiter. Or worse, Giuseppe from Eastenders. Too long, and you look
like an unemployed Terry Venables. That is unless you're Hugh Jackman. Y'see,
Hugh's what's known as a 'man's man'. Never one to shirk a fight, can still
sink a few jars now and then and hell – he can probably cook too! And it's this
aura of acceptability in both males and females (I've got no beef with this -
the man's a unit!) that means he can get away with having a goatee, but pull it
off as a fully-grown beard. Kudos.
And is it
mere coincidence that the bushiest beard of the night walked away with the
biggest awards? Pah!
I, like
Hugo Weaving and God do not play with coincidence...
Then it
must be fate. And so I take this as proof of the fact that you're not an actor
- nor an artist - until you've released the inner beast, and braved the world
of the beard!
So all
you wannabe writers, all you aspiring artistes - put down the razor and embrace
the beard!
I mean
c'mon - the 'Academy Award for
Outstanding Beard' isn't too far a stretch of the imagination...is it?
Images (lovingly) borrowed form BBC Online
